Edge Ships in a Nutshell
by Nick Foolery
Summary: Get your razors ready, 'cause it's about to get edgy. Get the bowls to, 'cause you're about to bleed out from this double feature! And book a funeral, because you are about to experience the true extent of a trilogy! existence is pain. When will it end. i don't think it's gonna end i think it's just gonna be here forever, for when i'm half asleep and bored. Rated M for reaaally fuc
1. Chapter 1

**eyyyy wassup fuckerss. its 2 am, im reading some edgy pertimis stories, and i though hell, i might as well give it a shot. so, an artist's rendition of how its done.**

Percy Jackson was pissed right the fuck off. His slutty girlfriend, Anna...beth had been sleeping with like a hundred dudes while he was gone to fuck athena or whatever so he could marry her. but instead she just found her making dirty porn on the beach. and the worst part was that his Dad was the camera man.

"BRO WHAT THE HELL DAD?"

Posidion whipped around" Yo Perce-Dawg. How it be?"

Percy pointed at his dadio." You know very well whats up Posid-Dawg-Dad. Why are you recording my slutty girlfriend's slutty porn?"

Posidbro shrugged." I get to see tits, and 20 bucks yo. Couldn't pass up that opportunity.

Percy nodded." Tru."

Then he turned to Annaslut and obscure douchebag character that was probably his brother, but maybe not.

Annarass smirked." What's up you fucking nerd that saved the world twice and could probably snap my neck with your pinky finger. Yeah, I'n totally 100% fucking everyone in camp. and i mean EVERYONE. Except you tho, because I'm really fuckin' stupid here, even though i am a daughter of the goddess of Wisdom like what the hell. Plus your brothers 10 year old dick was just too much to pass up.

Percy nodded." Tru."

But he raised his hand and did some sort of OP shit, and killed basic ass douchebag brother. Then Brosidion gasped in shock.

" YOU KILLED MY SON I DISSOWN YOU, EVEN IF THAT DOESNT MAKE JACK SHIT SENSE LOGICALLY."

Then Percy went into the forest to kill himself, but Breastia showed up.

" Yo Percy, Your parents are all dead and shit, man. I'm gonna be your new mom now, and you get a buch of OP powers and blessings, and you get to get all the bitches on your dick."

Percy nodded." Sweet, but what do I do now that I have this power?"

Hestia scoffed." Go get laid or something ya lonely virgin. Im gonna go get hammered or something.

She dissappeared in a burst of flames, and Percy shrugged.

" Well, I guess I'm gonna try to go fuck Artemis now."

So he went to the hunter's camp. Immeditley, they all wanted to be lazy cunts.

" Do our laundry you sexist massogonistic cis white male scum."

Percy wondered why he wanted to fuck the creator of Tumblr. Oh yeah. She had some pretty nice tits. Well whatever. So he washed them clothes.

" GASP, YOU PERVY MALE, YOU TOUCHED ALL OVER OUR CLOTHES, AND SMELT THEM, AND JACKED OF-"

Percy stopped her." Yo, i was just checking to see if they were clean. and that other part was me trying to get the dish soap on your clothes."

Immediatley, Artemis came out.

" Wow, what a respctiful man. Come inside my tent."

then she wiggled her eyebrows." And then come inside the tent again."

Percy sighed." It's always the virgins that are the kinky ones. Welp, im not gettin ny puss standing around here. IM GETTIN FUCKIN LAID BITCHES!"

 **yay, that shitty story is done. wonderful, now i can go about my buisness throught the next week with completley normal stuff. also, i really like the edgy percy, when it's well written. this was making fun of the basic stuff, and singing praises to the Guardian of the Hunt/Army of Chaos stories that are acctually good and original. Hope you enjoyed it, and remember to be the best bagel you can be, and as always...**

 **See You On The Flip-Side~Nick Write**


	2. Son of Chaos in a Nutshell

**How it be, how it do. Nick Write here, making fun of stories that are really overdone and are interesting like, twice. Since a surprising amount of people liked Pertemis in a Nutshell, this is sort of alternate version? Uh, someone suggested I make fun of the Son of Chaos story. Uh, I've read enough of those to do one, but I doubt it's as good as Pertmis in a Nutshell. But hey, I'll try my dankest. Oh, and Happy New Year.**

It was a sunny day on the beaches of New York, and Percy Jack-I-Do-Way-To-Much-Shit-Around-Here was lounging on the beach. Boy, wasn't it great to be the literal savior of the world twice ove-

" PERSAM JACKOFF YOU ARE SUMMONED TO OLYMPIUS TO DO A COURT."

Percy turned to the god behind him." Oi, fuck off Herman."

Hermemes didn't like that." Alrighty then cunt boy, I'll have to take you by force."

Percy stared at the useless fuck."I could snap your neck with my fucking scrotom."

Hermoine nodded." tru"

Then they teleported to Olympussy.

Percy looked at the big ol' court house.

" Great what did I do this time?"

Zeus's voice did an obligitory lighting joke, and made everyone's ears bleed.

" PERCICI'S PIZZA. YOU HAVE COMMITED CRIMES AGAINST SKYRIM AND ITS PEOPLE. WHAT SAY YOU IN YOUR DEFENSE?"

Percy kinda looked around." no but wait what am i being accused for?"

Brosideon looked at his porn baby." Dude, your like, a spy for the giants and Gaea and all that."

Persamson was pretty fucking triggered about this." Dude, I massacred like, all of them for you."

Aareas pointed dramatically at him with his spear." YOU AM TOO STRENGTH. COULD KILL US GODS. ME SAY WE KILL HIM MAKE HIM GO BOOM."

Athena stood up." What I think my brother meant was; FUCK THE LITTLE TRAITOR IN THE ASSHOLE."

Then while Percy sorta just stood there and everyone yelled about brutally mudering him, some random guy popped in, and was all ethereal and mystic and stuff.

" STOP BEING LITTLE CUNTS YOU LITTLE CUNTS."

Everyone shut the hell up, and looked at the cloaked figure, who now had a pretty nice set of tits.

" Lady Chaos!"

Percy was just sorta bored." Oh great, we're going in that direction this time."

The buff hooded dude, now revealed himself as Chaos pointed his throbbing space spear at Zeus.

" So I'm gonna take this kid here as my son because he's such a courageous young man, and really super strong and not a HUGE PUSSY LIKE THE REST OF YOU."

Posideon stood up in defiance.

" YOU SHALLANT TAKETH MINE SONE"

Chaos zooped him." Haha bitch now you never existed."

Zeus looked at the empty throne." Woah where did that chair come from."

Chaos turned her huge tits to Percy, and held out her hand.

" Alright let's go."

and then they were in space.

Percy looked around." It's pretty roomy here."

Chaos nodded." Yeah there's a lot of space here."

Percy glared at the buff dood." Did you just fucking make that pun?"

Huge Tits turned and looked confused." What's a pun."

Percy nodded." then the author needs to kill himself."

Chaos turned around, pointing to an assload of planets.

" We are the sole protectors of the world. You will be my successor and get a bunch of cool shit, and be really popular with the people that somehow got here and never left."

Percy looked around." Will I get tons of pussy?"

Choass smirked." Meow."

Percy nodded." ok deal."

Chaors turned around but then turned back.

" Oh and all your dead friends are alive to."

Percy shrugged." I only care about the chick ones."

 **Unnessecarily Long Time Gap Later...**

Percy looked at all the faggots that were his friends.

"wowo what a wonderful time we're having at this very moment nothing could ruin this ever."

Chranos busted open the doors, and looked and Parsnip.

" Oi son, you have to go back to Earth and be protectors and shit."

Percy flipped the edge switch." Ugh, how dare you send me back to that planet, you know I have bad memories there, ugh."

Zoe, who's pussy was being smashed by some random fucker, put a hand on Perlamps shoulder. " It's ok, we'll be with you."

" Can i Smash dat puss?"

Cloze shrugged." Nothing is stopping you now."

Percy nodded." Tru"

Then he turned to Clampos." Can i Smash dat puss?"

Champs shrugged." Nothing is stopping you now."

Percy nodded."Tru"

So Prems decided to go back to earth and save the puny mortals no one really cared about, and his return after thousands of years was celebrated, but not after several chapters of pointless exhibition. The end.

Also, Annabeth is still a slut.

 **Would you looky there. thats a wrap folks. was it to your liking? im sad that this actually took some level of thinking to create. so some credit to the people that do this. as i said before, sometimes edgy percy can be done well, but 99% of the time, it's just stuff that's been used a thousand times before. good on the people that can be original, and i hope more of you surface in the times to come. but for now**

 **See You On The Flip Side~Nick Write**


	3. Sorta Perzoe in a Nutshell

**GOOD DAY YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS! Nick Write here, trying to get back into the habit of things. I have been seriously slacking on my writing, so I thought, what better way to start swinging again, is with a sequel that no one asked for! So I got bored, okay? I browse edgy PJO stories when I'm bored. Most likely, you are doing the same thing. So uh, I guess there's no stopping me now. COOL LET'S GO!**

Percy Jackson was a hero amongst demigods. Once he had beaten the Giants and Gaea, he had come home to be celebrated as a hero of the world twice over. Of course, there were like seven other guys that helped him, but they didn't matter, because they weren't him. He laid on a lawn chair, and sighed, looking out onto the ocean.

" Man, this is the life. I hope it stays like this forever."

Spoiler Alert! It doesn't.

A sudden flash behind him causes Persssssy to look behind him. There stood the powerful, but essentially useless, Hermes, god of Messengers, and a whole bunch of other crap.

" YOU PRECI, YOU GET TO COME TO OLYMPIANS GAIN!"

Persoy stared at the god, who was currently high off his ass.

" Yo, Hermes, dude. Wth is going on man?"

Hermes snorted another line, and began to jitter uncontrolably.

" THE OLYMPEPONAS WANNA EAT UR ASS DOOD, WE GOTSA GO!"

so hemeroids teleported ycrep to Olumpies. Zeus glared the boy down, hard.

"PERRRRRRRCI CI'S PIZZA!"

Percy stood in front of the thunder god." This seems way too familiar."

Zeus continued." PERMAPS YOU ARE TOOOO STRONG TO BE ON EARTH, SO YA GOIN' TO TARTARUS. AGAIN!"

Percy stood, and looked around." Oh, okay, for real this time."

Posideon's empty chair looked at Percy." This time?"

Percy nodded, and pulled out his sword.

" So, uh, yeah. I've actually been evil this entire time. You were right Zeus!"

Zeus beamed." REALLY?!"

Percy put his sword back." No you fucking rasin."

Zeus snapped." Shet."

Then a big ol' hole opened up in the ground, and swallowed the young demigod completely whole. As Percy fell, he pulled out a notepad, and wrote a new not on it.

-get milk from the store

-Be sad about Annabeth's corpse

-Buy a Honey Bun

\- Stop taunting the gods you fucking idiot.

Satisfied, he put the notes away, and fell in silence.

 **Several Hours later...**

" got any eights?"

No answer. Percy sighed, and pulled from the sack of cards, and the water replica of himself.

" Okay, so I'm still falling this is getting redic-"

Percy face planted right on the bank of the Plethlegon River. He stood up and nodded.

" Okay, great."

He turned around, and noticed a giant white light. He walked towards it, and touched it.

Nothing happened.

So Percy turned around, and began to set up camp so he could survive in the-

JUST KIDDING!

He was instantaneously transported to space place, where there was this huge chick that may seem a little familiar.

" Oh, so we ARE going that route. But didn't we already do that?"

Champos nodded." Hell yeah we did, but we're doing it different this time."

Percy raised an eyebrow." How so?"

Charo threw her arms into the air." YOU AND THREE OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SEASONS, ALL OF THEM ARE GOING TO BE YOUR DEAD FRIENDS, AND YOU'RE MOST LIKELY GONNA FUCK AT LEAST ONE OF THEM BY YOUR FIRST NIGHT HERE."

Percy kinda looked at the all powerful being." Can't I just be the heir to the literal universe again?"

Chaos grinned." Fuck no!"

Percy shrugged." Okay."

So as soon as he accepted, the friends came in. Firstly, was that weird Hephestas guy that died on the boat. The, after him, was Luke, who was somehow not completely fucking gone. Exposition happend between him and percy, and then zoe walked in.

Percy grabbed her." Alright let's go fuck."

Zoe gasped in shock." YOU PERVERT! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M A PROUD HUNTER OF ARTEMIS THA-

Percy shook his head." Nah, you ded, so you lost ur position."

Zoe nodded." Oh, okay then. Let's fuck."

and then they fucked.

 **999999 years later...**

Zoe looked over to her other extremely old lover, even though they both had the same body as from 999999 years ago.

" Why me, Percy."

Percy smoked his chill out crack.

" because you were all that's left."

Zoe nodded." Oh okay."

 **blah blah blah, that's a wrap, have a good night , im tired, see you on the flip side, nick write**


	4. why do i torture myself so?

**fuck me**

Percy Jackson was sitting at his house, playing some og God of War on his PS2. Man, he was having a blast absolutely murdering all those gods that he hated so much. especially Aareas. Fuck that guy. But then, out of no where, his house burned down. kinda funny, because he had water powers, and his house burnt down. then, previously mentioned AA bateries came in, and was just a fucking prick

"oh look at this little cunt, well i'm gonna go tell the god's that you did 9/11, making them move from the World Trade Center, to the Empire State Buildning."

Percy stared at Big strongth for a second, and then shrugged.

" Why the hell should i care, this is the fourth goddamned time i've done this shit, and i always get super op because of it. so please, by all means, tell them i did the fucking holocaust to."

So arens did that.

PERCICI's PIZZA was immediately summoned to Olympus, where he saw his old buddy zeus.

"xXxPeRcY_JaCkSoNxXx, you're a super fucking cunt!"

Percy stared blankly at the god of skies." I don't see why, for the third time dammit."

then Athena stepped up." That's cause you're way to OP percy, that's why my daughter cheated on you!"

Percy looked over there." Why don't you come down here, and let me fuck you, because you obviously don't know how to go fuck yourself."

The golfs went into a rage of anger, and percy held his arms out.

"please let this be the one where i recieve the sweet release of death..."

Suez then turned to Persam, and readied his bolt.

" PERCY, GET READY TO GET FUCKED FOR YOUR TREASON!"

He held his arms out wider." DO IT MOTHERFUCKER!"

And then he had the Assassin's Creed outfit on.

" OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!"

Then the goddess Hestia made herself visible.

" So Percy's my kid now, because his mom died in a house fire, and fire is kinda my thing, so i'm legally obligated to take him into custody, lest i face a couple of life sentences in prison, which i don't want to do."

Percy collapsed onto the ground." NO!"

Hestia looked over." I'm sorry your mom died."

Percy looked up." Oh, yeah, that sucked."

But in percy's mind

" Pfft, I don't give a fuck, I WANT TO DIE ANYWAY DAMMIT AND NOW WERE GOING IN SUCH A STUPID DIRECTION AND PREMISE!"

But it was a good thing that only all of the gods could telepathically read minds.

So percy turned to hestia.

" So, what kind of random powers do i get now."

hestia smiled." Me and twenty other important gods blessings, as well as the assassins creed uniform, and somehow the ability to be a perfect and flawless assassin after two months."

Percy scoffed." okay, that's boring"

Hestia looked around.

" You get to hang with the hunters again"

Percy grinnned." Wow best powers ever."

in percy's mind.

' I'm about to get some mad pussy dawg'

ghestia nodded." Yes you are, starting with me your new mom."

Percy rubbed his dicks together.

"hell yeah, video game powers literally the worse concept out of all of these lets go"

 **and then everyone fucked the end**


	5. The Finale in a Nutshell: Percabeth

**I'm stuck in an endless loop of suffering, and it continues to torture my very existence. HEY WE'RE BACK WITH EDGE SHIPS IN A NUTSHELL ALL YOU FUCKING CUNTS!**

Percy Jackson stars at the mirror in front of him.

"Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night, I can feel my leg... and my arm... even my fingers. The body I've lost... the comrades I've lost... won't stop hurting... It's like they're all still there. You feel it, too, don't you? I'm gonna make them give back our past."

He then turns to the camera.

" Oh no, here we go, where are we going this time?"

A hand from behind the camera holds out a velvet box. Percy raises an eyebrow. This is odd. He opens the box up, and inspects a diamond wedding ring inside.

" Annabeth? I thought she was my slutty girlfriend."

The camera shakes side to side. Percy's eyes widen.

" I finally get my happy ending that I so desperately deserve?"

The camera nods. Percy jumps up into the air, screaming for joy, while tears stream down his face.

"Finally! This existance of pain is over! I'll go propose right now, I finally get to end it!"

He runs out of the apartment, and out of the camera's view.

Annabeth was having a rather normal day.

So far, she had woken up, eaten breakfast, and taught a couple classes at Camp Half-Blood for the summer. She was worried about her boyfriend though. Percy had seemed a bit off lately, often drifting off into space, and making jokes about suicide way more often than what she considered healthy. But her worries were melted when he ran into camp top speed, tackled her, and proposed to her on the spot. It was almost if time had stopped at that very instant. Annabeth was caught so off guard, that she almost went into cardiac arrest. But his eyes shone bright, and he seemed so happy. Like the old Percy she had come to love was finally back. So she said yes, and he ran away, rejoicing and telling everyone the good news. So when lunch finally rolled around, she had time to ponder what she had just agreed to.

" I'm...getting married."

It didn't make any more sense to her, no matter how many times she repeated it to herself. She was really taking that next step. How was this even going to work.

" Hey there, Wise Girl, you over here overthinking things?"

She spun around, to see the grinning face of her now fiance, Percy Jackson. He took a seat beside her, and she sighed.

" I don't know Seaweed Brain. I mean, this is all so fast. And we do start college in a month. How are we going to ballance all of that?"

Percy smiled softly." I've actually been thinking about that ever since before the Giant War ended last year. And I was seriously considering us moving to New Rome. They have plenty of married couples, a lot even with kids, and people that have attended college there and everything. I think it would be a good place for us."

Annabeth looked over, surprised at the idea that had just come from her boyfriend.

" My gods, Seaweed Brain, you can think!"

Percy scoffed, and playfully nudged the Daughter of Athena. She laughed, and the two watched the clouds slowly make their way across the midday sun. Percy turned to her.

" Well, whatever we do, as long as we do it together, I think we'll be okay."

Annabeth smiled.

" Yeah."

Several months later, and the newlywed couple had finally moved in to their new home in New Rome. It was a nice place. Quiet, and beautiful, nustled on the very edge of the city. Perfect for a couple looking to start a new life together. At least, that's what their Real Estate Agent told them. Percy picked up his newly wedded wife, and spun her around.

" You know, I don't think I've been this happy since the last time my mom baked for me."

Annabeth laughed." That was just last night you Seaweed Brain."

Percy laughed as well." Yeah, but don't you like me better happy."

She gave him a quick peck on the lips." You're damn right I do."

After the peck, she gave him a very sultry look. He returned it, and chuckled suggestively.

" Oho, my. Does Wise Girl have something in mind?"

Annabeth grabbed him." Just take me to bed Water Boy."

Percy grinned mischeviously." You got it Smarty Pants.

A year passed, and the couple had a baby that was a few months old. Life had quieted down for the most part. Nothing crazy was happening, and the two were making good strides in their studies while simultaniously raising their child. Old friends often came by to visit, making sure the two were alright. It was appreciated by the two. One day, Annabeth came home, and hugged her husband.

" Hey there honey."

She smiled." Hey. I've got something to tell you."

Percy raised an eyebrow." Really? What is it?"

Annabeth's smile turned into an evil smirk.

" There's another baby."

Needless to say, Percy was caught very off guard. He'd tell you otherwise, but that's how the pond at the back of the house was formed.

Ten years later, and the two were still going strong. With two kids, one tenish, and the other nine-ish, the parents had a pretty big weight on their shoulders. But they were a happy family. During the fall, winter, and spring, the children stayed in New Rome, attending school with the rest of the city. During summer, the family of four would travel to Camp Half-Blood, to visit Grandma, and see Uncle Chiron. Said "Uncle" doted over the two children as if they were his very own. It was a very wholesome experience for everyone.

Thirty years later, and things began to go downhill. Percy came home one day, to find that his wife was laying on the floor, not moving. He took her to the hospital, and she was diagnosed with a rare disease. They attempted to treat her, but seemingly none of the medicine was the right kind of treatment. They also attempted to call on Apollo many times, to no avail. Zeus had still locked him on Olympus for hiding away during the Giant War. He visited her regularly, even bringing his now adult children, who had children of their own with him. It wasn't enough though. Two months after being diagnosed, Annabeth passed from her illness.

Twenty years later, and Percy was finally ready to go. He layed on his hospital bed, silently watching the TV every day. He was fed by his nurses, and every now and again, was visited by one of his children, or his grand-children, or if he was very lucky, his great-grand-children. He was old, and he was happy with how his life went. He started off rocky, but had a good adventure, made some great friends, made a beautiful girl, who he decided to make his wife, and raised a good family who was there to continue his legacy. Truly, he had been blessed by fate, contrary to what he may have thought when he was younger. He was a child of the Big Three, and fought in two seperate wars, and has lived into old age. Not many demigods can claim that victory. Maybe his mom was right in naming him Perseus. Because even after all that fighting, he truly got his happy ending.

Percy gasped, jumping up as he awoke from his slumber. Slightly disoreintated, he looked around to gather his surroundings. A tent. That was odd. And he felt a lot stronger. He looked in a mirror, and saw it.

He was young again.

He began to panic. He was just on his death bed! He was finally going to be with all the people he loved again! What happened. Then, a familiar voice penetrated his mind like a silver arrow.

" Perseus. That was quite a good night last night. I'm glad I broke my maiden vows that i had upkept for thousands of years for you."

Percy stopped dead in his tracks, and looked over to the naked body of Artemis, goddess of the Hunt.

He he screamed

 **the end fags.**


End file.
